September 21, 2011

Couple of things

I've spent a lot of time reflecting on life and motherhood in these past few weeks and I have a few thoughts I figured I'd share. At least one of them will probably change your life. Maybe not.

1. Trying to invent a device that electrocutes your husband’s penis when your child cries and he sleeps through it, is an OK way to spend the time you’re up in the middle of the night feeding the baby. Normal thing to think about, really.

2. I don’t care if your kid sleeps in a drop-side crib in East Detroit and the only sling you own is from when you broke your arm freestyle walking. If you have ever taken a dump with a 42lb toddler on your lap or while nursing an infant, you are practicing Attachment Parenting. You’re disgusting, but totally AP.

3. If you have more than one kid, the older one(s) really has you by the nuts when you’re nursing the other one. I find this to be especially true during the first feed of the morning when you are exhausted and half naked. You’re basically helpless and that means your oldster can do things like:

  • Shove a jar of caterpillars in your face while jumping on the bed (this is as upsetting as it sounds and, PS, what kind of an effing idiot buys their kid a butterfly hatching kit??? This guy, that's who.)
  • Run into the backyard completely nude under the guise of letting out the dogs
  • Wipe cheeto dust (probably the organic sort of breakfast cheetos you just haven’t heard of yet, back up off me) on your pumping bra while trying it on and insisting that she too has milk in her boobs 
The point of all this is, absolutely nothing. But, this is sort of where I dump my extra thoughts. Sooner or later I am bound to say something really profound, so sit tight for that.


  1. Oh. Mah. Gah. Jessie, I'm dead. - Jill @BabyRabies

  2. Hahaha, I love the first one especially! (My hubby is supposed to get up with the baby on Sundays so I can have one day to sleep in. Yesterday I spent 45 minutes listening to the baby screeching, instead of sleeping, while my husband snored away. ARGGH!)